My Child

My child.

I grew you.

I knew you with all of my thirty trillion cells.

Before yours only numbered two. 

And despite differences in our consciousness and size.

My own life I would give for you. 

My child.

I knew you.

I grew you under layers of my very own flesh. 

And your light made that dark place new.

And while these arms still awaited the one I adored. 

My soul held on firmly to you. 

My child. 

I’ve grown you.

I’ve known you since the dawn of time. 

When our forms were of stardust pure.

And when the heavens reclaim me and I’m here no more.

Know I loved you before you were. 

~ D. Sparrow

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The Hardest Part

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And I discovered

That their worlds keep moving.

It doesn’t matter that the echo of their high-pitched and pure laughter still bounces off the walls of my memory.

That the pitter-patter of their small cherub feet still resonates along the foundation of my heart.

I still have to move along this life

Without those versions of them.

Crying alone in the thick nostalgia of it all.

And all I want to do is go back and relive one glimpse of what I used to think was the hardest part…

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Tomorrow

Tomorrow. The first step, of the last leg, of this particular race. Life is chalk full of races, battles, obstacles to hurdle – and going back to college at my age, with my family responsibilities and demands, into this program, has been the hardest thing I have ever done.

Five years ago, and after almost two decades of raising twelve kids, we made a family decision. Of course, it was at the constant urging of my little sister who was already on her nursing school journey. She never gave up, and she never gave in, relentless in her quest to persuade me that I could, in fact, do this. I doubted it. I did. My husband doubted it, too.

Not that we both didn’t think I was intellectually equipped, because we both knew I was…but because we didn’t believe in the possibility that I could handle the intensity of the program’s prerequisites and the competitive nature of the program’s acceptance criteria and the difficulty of the program’s content. Not in addition to everything that everyone needed from me, in our own home.

You will, she insisted. You’ll be concerned, quarter after quarter, that you may not be able to handle it…but then you just handle it. Day by day, and week by week, and quarter by quarter…until you do it. And you WILL. It just works out.

“The time is gonna pass anyway. You can be an RN in five years…or, you can still be thinking about it.” ~ Tricia Witherspoon (my sissy)

It’s been five years. It took me a year to re-qualify for financial aid. I began my prerequisites exactly four years ago. I was accepted into the Nursing Program at our local college, two years later. And tomorrow. Tomorrow. I begin my last quarter of this PTSD-inducing program.

I have grown indescribably. I have gained so much…including myself. I have had the opportunity to realize my own gifts and talents – outside of what I have been blessed to achieve in our home. I have been given the gift of my own identity – outside of whose wife, mother, and sister I am. I ran into my courage. Courage.

“The true meaning of courage is to be afraid, and then, with your knees knocking and your heart racing, to step out anyway—even when that step makes sense to nobody but you. I know that’s not easy. But making a bold move is the only way to truly advance toward the grandest vision the universe has for you.” ~ Oprah Winfrey

I am not a different person. I’m a better version of the person I already was. I have been doubly blessed. Blessed to receive each and every miracle that our chosen life came with. Every hardship, every obstacle, every smile and every tear, every single need of every single life that we were entrusted with, every struggle…shaped my strength. There is not separation between my life before and after this journey…only preparation.

“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.” – Maya Angelou

Tomorrow. Tomorrow marks the first day of my last quarter of this nursing program. My last first day. Ten weeks to the completion of the hardest thing I’ve ever done. That’s right, the HARDEST thing I’ve EVER done…

AND THE SECOND MOST REWARDING.

Thank You, Lord.

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UNTOUCHABLE

Hi.

It’s been awhile, I know.

Life. It’s hard sometimes. I mean, always good…but sometimes really hard. I feel I owe an apology to anyone who follows the happenings of This Nest, who have possibly been led to interpret our lives as fairy-tales full of fluffy and magical unicorns dancing across bright rainbows. That’s inaccurate. Our lives are full of challenges and obstacles…and sometimes heartbreak.

My last entry was nearly two years ago. You should read it. It’s reflective of my enduring and undying love for my husband. That hasn’t changed. It never will. You could read any number of my posts as illustrative of my heart for my marriage and family, and for our children. That hasn’t changed either. It never will.

But 2015 was a hard one for us. Our marriage and our children were under attack. Chalk it up to whatever pressures, stressors and worldly influences you want to. We almost got lost. Lost in the business of unimportant things. Lost in the busy-ness of work and nursing school. Lost to the influences of peer pressure and bad choices. Lost to the effects of depression and anxiety. We were individually fighting our own battles, and we were almost lost to the knowledge that our individual obstacles are collectively one big mountain, obstructing the success of This Nest as a whole.

Long story short, we had decisions to make, priorities to rate, and action to take. And we did. Our love is untouchable. UNTOUCHABLE. Our family is a gift, and we take care of it. Our children are our biggest blessings, who deserve nothing less than our united front of support and love and guidance. So that’s what we give them, and that’s what we give to each other. Because if one of us falls, we all fall. And when we rise, we rise together. Together. Always together.

2016 has been a great one for us, so far. Our marriage and our children are not only intact, but we are abundantly blessed and grateful. Chalk it up to whatever influences of fortitude and perseverance you want to. We are found. Found in the business of the most important things. Found in the busy-ness of intentionally valuing the most important things. Found in the lessons learned through peer pressure and bad choices. Found in awareness and open discussions about depression and anxiety. We fight with each other, not against each other, as we climb the big mountain of collective obstacles presented to This Nest, as a whole. A whole family.  Together. Always together.

We know this is a marathon and not a sprint. We pace ourselves, understanding that the bad days WILL come, but they will also go. And we celebrate with gratitude the good days that always find us.

 

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I Want To Grow Old With You

COPYRIGHT ThisNest

COPYRIGHT ThisNest

I was looking at him yesterday. He was talking about something, I don’t clearly remember what, because I was too busy looking at him to really listen.

His eyes were sparkling in their majestic brown way. His high cheek bones were so beautifully holding his smiling cheeks. The notes played by his deep voice danced around me as his masculine hands moved in unison, trying to get across whatever point I couldn’t hear…

Because I was too busy studying his face.

His face. The face of my husband.

My eyes were drawn to his greying beard; the strength of his jawline now layered with the years that he has been blessed with. The years that WE have been blessed with. I find the contrast of his dark skin, peppered with the salt of time and experience, so incredibly sexy.

And then..

In the midst of all the admiration I was feeling for him in that moment, and all the mixed emotions I have about the progressive  fading in my own hair, and all the refection on the joys and pains of our twenty-two years together, another thought crossed my mind:

While both are incredible gifts, there is a BIG difference between finding that someone you want to grow old with – and actually growing older with that someone.

Real talk.

Thank You, Creator.

 

 

 

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