I really do try to be an inspiration to others – through my writing, through my living. I often say that my goal in life is to get to the end of it with as few regrets as possible, it’s sort of my motto. Most of the decisions we made about how or if we should take care of Tony’s siblings came out of the place in my heart where that motto resides. The right thing to do seemed so obvious…so difficult, but still, very clear. I know I don’t write often about the kids we tried to do for. There’s a reason for that. The happy ending I had constructed in my mind at the beginning of this journey, well, I’ve had to accept that I am not the author of their books…just a character in chapter or two. That’s a hard thing for me to swallow, and ingesting it burns through my heart, especially as I stand on the shore watching the past two decades of my life disappear over the horizon. I will never get that time back. Tony and I will not get that time back. Our own children will never get any of that time back. We are just left to discuss the philosophical and spiritual scenarios related to the past, the present, and the future – because we chose to do what we thought was right.
Maybe I should just “let it go” like he says he has done. He’s lying, I know that, but he’s very believable. It’s just not that easy for my mind to convince my heart to “let it go” when my memories of them as little children are so crystal clear. And then I remember…I was also just a child. We were only twenty-two years old, making preparations for Rex and Daniel to arrive (the rest of the children arrived later). I gave birth to our first child a mere eight months after taking custody of two pre-teens. Now how could we possibly have thought we were prepared for that?
Tony says that our legacy will be felt stronger in the generations to come. I hold onto that hope with quiet desperation after receiving the news within the last month that two of them are expecting their own children this year. Now I have to sink uncomfortably into the role of distant relative – when I always thought that our sacrifices would have afforded us more of a grandparent or favorite aunt and uncle role in the lives of the kid’s kids. I also have to be satisfied in knowing that whether or not we are appreciated…the babies being created right now will somehow benefit from their parents having been loved by us.
In the meantime, I could use a little prayer. I’m conflicted by my own life’s motto. How is it possible to have regrets about a decision, and what seems like a lifetime, made because we didn’t want to have regrets? Somebody preach to me, PLEASE!
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Your legacy my cousin digs much deeper then those children and their children. I became a mother shortly after you, I was only 18. I had no clue what I was doing, so I watched and I learned from the people I respected and looked up to. You were one of them. Your mothering has sifted through the fibers of my heart and to my children’s lives, from now and to come for many years. My children have learned from me, I learned from you, and I know my grandchildren will feel your love. You lift your head high…you have made an impact.
Don’t have regrets about it. If you had to make the decision over again, would you choose differently? You WERE an influential part of their lives and their children will learn by the lessons that you taught.
I took my friends teen daughter in for over a year and I KNOW that she still tries to live by what I tried to teach her. She sometimes fails without the proper adult supervision but I KNOW that I taught her the right choices in her heart and mind.
The crowns stored up for you in Heaven are plentiful. You made the sacrifices you made to give love and life a chance. YOU DID WHAT GOD ASKED YOU TO DO. You did not know how it would end and you did it anyway but the end is not near. Continue to trust God, even through the pain. No one said it would be easy but everyone knows it will be worth it.
My sweet precious daughter,
No matter how hard we try or how many good things we do, we cannot ever do all the right things in our children’s eyes. We can only know that we tried our best and loved completely. Everyone but them knows what a challenge they were and how much you sacrificed for them. You kept them safe from the conditions that brought them to you in the first place. You gave hungry mouths good food to eat; darkness, light; unsanitary conditions, a clean home in which to dwell; calmed their fears with peace; made their childhoods easier, their Christmas’ bright, their birthdays happy, not to mention all the other things you did for them. It was not a waste. One day they will remember fondly your love and care, but until then, just know you did a multitude of things to make their little lives better. What those little children do when they grow up cannot diminish all the good you did for them. Please know that, and be happy for all the sacrifices you made. If you saw those same children living in the awful conditions you brought them out of, you would do it all again to keep them safe even if you knew what you know now. You did what you intended to do. You loved them……..
Thank you, Cousin, Friend, Sister, and Mama. I appreciate your words. I certainly didn’t write this post so that I could hear you all singing my praises…but your encouragement does mean a lot to me (us). I feel stuck in this place right now, regretting. I have shed many tears the last week or so, as all this realization seems to be hitting all at once. It makes me feel good that you all have such confidence in me – knowing that I would do it all again if I had do…sadly, I don’t think I (we) would. That’s the hardest part to face, and it makes all the years seem wasted. Tony says he looks at it like this – God asked him for a favor, a much smaller sacrifice than the one He made for us, and we agreed to do this favor FOR GOD. I’m trying to shift my focus to that instead of thinking that we did this for the kids. I love my husband, he’s an undercover genius 🙂