I am at a crossroads. The road behind me has been long. Sometimes smooth, but those parts are only made clear by the rough patches they contrast with. Unfortunately for me, real degrees cannot be earned in the School of Life. The people who sign and distribute paychecks do not care that the real lessons in your life have been learned the hard way – or that the tuition you paid for that education wasn’t from grants or students loans…but rather from blood, sweat, and tears. Lots of them.
I’ve been at a crossroads before in my life. We left our college educations, not knowing how important they were – or how much we’d regret not having them – or how much suffering financially we would do without them, and we began to travel down a road that clearly seemed the right one for us. I guess it’s true what they say: “Sometimes the right road is the hardest one to take” and ours was both right and hard. Very hard. There have been times recently when I thought I held regret for choosing to take on Tony’s seven siblings, times when the outcome has so violently choked me into believing that our efforts weren’t worth it, and then I’m reminded…the story hasn’t ended. It’s not over. The ending may still be a happy one, yes, the ending will be a happy one.
I know what it means to be on welfare, trying to stretch food stamps to feed a literal army of children.
I know what it means to try and make a trip to the Goodwill or Value Village feel like a treasure hunt to the kids trying to find back to school clothes there.
I know what it means to desperately put our story out there at Christmas time, hoping someone (anyone?) would “adopt” all of our children for the holidays, hoping there would be at least a few gifts for each of them under our donated tree.
I know what it means to hope they don’t know the difference between Nike and Pro-Wings, between laces and velcro, between brand new and second (or third, or fourth) hand belongings.
I know what it means to make them believe that we had “snacky” dinners for fun, like an adventure, and not because peanut butter and jelly on Saltine crackers was all we had to give them.
I know what it means to fill out free lunch forms year after year after year, and hope that they would cover the “cool” food line.
I know what it means to learn how to do hair, hair unlike my own, how to fade it, and edge it, and perm it, and braid it, and twist it, and press it, and even an up-do for prom…because there was no way we could afford to give them all the “real” barber/beauty shop experience.
I know what it means to stretch my imagination, combine it with bedsheets and permanent markers, and create Halloween costumes out of everyday household items…and hope they felt proud of what they wore to go trick-or-treating.
I know what it means to let go of my pride and accept the gifts and donations that continually poured in, mostly from my family, so that we could continue taking care of Tony’s siblings.
I learned a lot about a lot. Including, but not limited to, developmental delays, mental health issues, emotional healing, bonding, love, sacrifice, cooking, baking, cleaning, teaching, mentoring, counseling, budgeting, laughing, crying, nursing, caring, parenting, nurturing, supporting, diversity, and stretching that almighty dollar…but still, a PhD in Life is rarely recognized when it comes to the world outside your own home. So here I am, nearly two decades later, still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
I have to go back to school, I want to go back to school, to finished what I started before I was a mother…so that I can be a better mother now. Our own five kids are all still at home with us, the youngest just two years old…the oldest a junior in high school. I never in a million years thought I’d be in college at the same time my children were, but now that’s a big possibility. That is, if I’m brave enough to balance school with all the directions I’m already being pulled in.
I am brave enough.
Yes, I am.
Pray for me.
You ARE brave enough!!
I never thought I would be a 31 year old, single mom, and a college student. Never in my wildest dreams! But, I dared to get up and do it, and trust in God, and in ME, and I graduate this coming March!
We have shared some similar experiences and from what I know which you reveal in your posts- you are one of the bravest, strongest women I “know”!
You have my prayers, and hugs, and courage all sent your way!
Wow…Donna, you amaze me. <3 It's hard to hold back tears, because I grew up like that, but don't ever feel like not having is a fault on your part. Love is what matters most and you're brimming with it.
Besides, I love those saltine PB&Js when I was a kid. 😉 Big hugs to you amiga…you can do it. Mothering is the TOUGHEST job out there! Don't let anyone tell you different. If you can do that in a rough situation, you can do it all girl!
Don't doubt you and the skills God granted…he created you with a plan. <3
You can definately do it. The first semester is hard just re-adjusting and learning how to “study” again. At times you feel like everyone else in the class is so naive and young. But it is worth it.
I am speaking from experience as a mom of four who is just starting her last semester.
Thanks, Ladies! Your words mean a lot, and your prayers are appreciated more than you know. I am nervous about it. Not that I don’t think my mind is capable, but because I’m worried about how to take care of all five kids’ needs, sports, practices, etc. and still have time for me to be successful at school. I don’t want them to suffer too much, while I’m trying to improve their lives…if that makes sense?
I’m asking the Lord to open the doors that need to be opened while asking Him to slam shut the doors that need to be shut. I’m also asking Him to keep you & Tony on the same page (cause we all know how important that is).
But I hope you know (I’m sure you do, I have no doubts), there is NOTHING in this world (no degree, no high paying job) that can compare to the real life degree, the incredibly high paying job, you’ve had while raising all of those incredible people.
You reap what you sow, & you my sweet friend, have sown so much, I have so much faith that our good Lord is going to reward you so…
loves ya sweet thang!
Awwww, thank you so much, Carissa! I have that same faith, I just want to make sure I’m meeting Him halfway – following the path He’s set out for me (as that path transitions). Love you too 🙂
I ditto what the others have said, you are an amazing woman and you give me the encouragement I need some days.. and you don’t even know it. I will tell you that going to school is hard. I was a single soldier with twin babies, then through the grace of God met my husband and got pregnant with my youngest so I got out of the Army. Then, I started college with two 2 year olds and a 4 month old. It was hard, but because I had the love and support of a great man I made it. I now have two 9 year olds, a 7 year old, a hubby and 2 masters degrees. All while working a full time job (and my hubby working 2 full time jobs). Not trying to toot my horn, just letting you know that even with all of the directions you are running now, you will still be able to handle school. You are a strong woman, with the dedication and strength of a Roman Warrior, and to TOP IT OFF, you have the love and support of a great man… all the qualities needed to make it through college and more. Have faith, God will be there to help you through (and so will those amazing kids you are raising). Good luck, and we are ‘here’ if you need us
With everything you accomplished – you BETTER be tootin’ that horn! TOOT! TOOT! Thanks, Girl. I needed that. I just start to freak myself out thinking about how busy my days are. Tony drives truck and those kind of hours leave me with the parenting responsibilty all week – practices, games, appts, everything that five kids (age 16-2) need, not to mention if/when one gets sick – they all do. Then volleyball tournaments four weekends a month with the girls too. I try to imagine where to fit school in, knowing that it’s a MUST, but still worrying. We can’t afford daycare while I’m in class, can’t go all nights because the older kids need me then…but if you earned two masters degrees through all that – I have faith that it’s possible! I really appreciate your encouragement, really 🙂