I Will, Gratefully

Sandy Hook Elementary, praying for my children

www.ThisNest.com

My mind is incapable of fathoming this type of pure evil. My heart is unable to undip itself from this cup of intense pain. I grieve for these babies as though they are my own nieces and nephews, and for the others as though they are my cousins. I cannot escape the lump in my throat or the discomfort I feel in my chest every few minutes as I continually remember what happened yesterday…

Yesterday – when happy and carefree six and seven-year-olds became terrified murder victims. Yesterday – when the innocence was stolen from an entire community of children. Yesterday – when teachers became brave heroes and victims simultaneously.

I cried myself to sleep last night. When I rose at 5:30am to see my husband off to his Saturday of overtime – I cried some more. I know that my tears will eventually run out…but not so far. Much to the dismay of my swollen eyes, the tears just keep flowing. The TV hasn’t been on today, outside of Saturday morning cartoons, but even that is heartbreaking…because I know the cartoons have been silenced on the televisions of twenty angels who were here yesterday – and then gone yesterday. The news hasn’t been on because I made a concious decision to attempt distance from the tragedy. Selfish – maybe, and sadly not an option for that Conneticut community, but a must for the sake of self-preservation. Still though, there are reminders for me…in every word and action of my own five-year-old today. He is just a year younger than many of the victims.

Normally, his early morning footsteps loudly running through our home make me wish for a little more sleep…not this morning. As he burst through my door with his sparkling smile and greeted me with his raspy little voice and happy eyes – I literally thanked God outloud. His sharp elbows that always seem to find their way to my boobs as he climbs into bed next to me…Thank You, God. His stinky morning breath, that he is clearly oblivious to, as he whispers to me memories of last night’s dreams…Thank You, Lord. His incessant fidgeting and uncontrollabe movement that always inevitably wakes his little brother who is asleep on the other side of me…Thank You, Jesus. His bossy and impatient demands of me to make his favorite pancakes…Thank You, Father.

I take it. I take it all…so gratefully. I will double check little booties that have just gone #2. I will settle arguments over who gets to be Batman and who has to be Robin. I will wipe snotty noses. I will clean up melted popsicles from stained countertops. I will wash peed sheets. I will endure big fits thrown in public places. I will go back to the store because I forgot the Danimals. I will laugh at little jokes that aren’t that funny. I will get through bedtime prayers with fussy children who don’t believe it’s bedtime. I will deal with finicky eaters who insult my cooking. I will.

I will also be the recipient of tender kisses and precious hugs. I will see the mouthfuls of baby teeth that expose themselves during the belly-est of belly laughs. I will also put cash under pillows that hold little sleeping heads when those teeth fall out. I will be a tooth fairy, an Easter bunny, and Santa Claus. I will dress up with them on Halloween. I will let them eat more dessert than turkey on Thanksgiving. I will sing their favorite Goodmorning and Goodnight songs to them, even though they keep changing the words. I will not take one single moment with them for granted.

And when D’Lo, who couldn’t start kindergarten this year because he was born past the deadline, begins school this coming Fall…I will be pray. I will continually ask my God to cover him with the mightiest of protection. I will make requests for legions of angels to be permanently perched above him and below him and all the way around him. I will ask my Father to keep him safe from all harm – physical, emotional, mental, and especially spiritual…just as I have always done for all my children, just as I already do for him now.

To carry a constant concern for his kidneys is hard enough. Just as with my older kids – I can’t even stand the thought of his feelings being hurt at school…I shouldn’t have to worry about his classroom becoming a warzone. Lord Jesus. Help us.

Posted in MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

Too Close For Comfort

My God. Another shooting. It’s different for me this time though. Closer. A lot closer…

As I entered my chemistry class for the last time tonight, to take my final exam, it was much more than just chemical equations, mole to mole conversions, and polyatomic ions filling my brain…my mind was on the shootings at Clackamas Town Center as well.

Evening before last, my beautiful husband took our precious youngest children and their cousin, Jelly Bean, off of our hands so that we could prepare for this final exam. Jelly Bean’s mama, my little sister, and I are in Chemistry together – we went to the library. Tony, two five-year-olds, and a three year old went on an adventure of their own…

To the Clackamas Town Center.

They rode the carousel and the ferris wheel. They ordered sandwiches from Subway. They sent us pics and videos via text to laugh at while we crammed for our last test – and tonight as we took that test, in the exact part of the mall our little ones (and my big one) so thoroughly enjoyed two nights ago…a gunman opened fire on the happy crowd of families just like ours.

Parents grabbed their children in an effort to protect. Teenagers and their friends scattered. Husbands and wives fled in terror. People died tonight…affecting families like mine…where my family just spent an evening.

My God. Another shooting. It’s different for me this time though. Closer. A lot closer…

Posted in MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Letter From A Grateful Mama

Final Football Season

www.ThisNest.com

My Beautiful Son,

How can I even express my gratitude for being chosen to be your mother? I was only twenty-three, and I had done nothing spectacular enough to warrant God finding me worthy of the gift…but still He sent you to me. I know that there were times I didn’t rise to the occasion, some mistakes were made along the way too…but never, ever, have I not understood the miracle of you. You. I love you. Oh Lord, do I love you. To think that, somehow, my very blueprint was redesigned around that of the man I love with all my heart…to make a completely new human being. To make you, our son. Our first-born son. A piece of me, and part of him…but still an individual. Amazing.

I feel so blessed to have been able to attend your final high school football banquet tonight. My feelings were so hurt as I headed into Chemistry tonight, prepared to take my Lab Final. My mind was on chemical reactions…but my chest ached in the absence of my heart, which was with you, on its way to the high school. As soon as my teacher agreed to make arrangements, I rushed to the banquet. Thank You, Lord.

So tomorrow, I will head back to campus to take that Lab Final…but tonight, tonight, I had the honor of witnessing the end of this part of your journey – just as I did for the beginning and middle of it. I am so proud of you – every minute of everyday of every year that I have been graciously given with you has been a gift. I pray for many more firsts and lasts to cry over, laugh about, and be grateful for.

I love you, Son.

 

Posted in LETTERS TO MY CHILDREN | Tagged , , | 1 Comment

My Heroes

My Heroes

www.ThisNest.com

Thankful. Grateful. Appreciative. Blessed. I am all of these. Much more than a roasted turkey thankful. Far more than sweet potato pie grateful. Abundantly more appreciative than a football game on the TV while we stuffed our faces yesterday. Blessed. And while the preparation was exhausting, it was a labor of love…because I know what those blessings are.

Today was another kind of gratitude. No cooking, other than heating up some leftovers, and no football game to get wrapped up in. Today I got to spend some Mommy Time with my oldest three. They are such a big source of my thankfulness, my prides and my joys, my beautiful children.

Boo Boo, Mamacita, and Dee Dee Girl – where do I even begin? How do I express my respect for three kids who shared their parents with so many others. When we made the decision, they had no say. Boo Boo was too young and the girls weren’t even born yet. Our time, attention, finances, our home, our lives…shared. It is only in hindsight that I can clearly see what was lost – as well as what was gained.

On the other end we added the maniac midgets to the mix. We would not, we could not, ever be complete without those two little Sparrows. Looking back though…I see more clearly the sacrifices of and benefits for my older three…again. I am so proud of them. They are my heroes.

Today, I was gifted with some private time with the first three to provide me with mommy-hood. While Daddy and the boys stayed home with the leftovers – we scrapped that tradition for half price appetizers at our local Applebee’s . Then we headed to the Dollar Tree to pick out some goodies – and proceeded to smuggle said goodies into the movie theater, with a half hour to spare. I made good use of that time by giggling with my amazing kids, paying close attention to every dimple and beautiful tooth that their laughter shared with me.

Thankful. Grateful. Appreciative. Blessed. I am all of these. I have real life heroes living in my own home…and I got to date all three of them today.

Posted in FAMILY | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

A One-Two (Three, Four, Five) Punch!

Class this morning – Check!

Meeting with my advisor to check progress – Check!

Grocery shopping (wait, let me rephrase – fighting the chaotic, disorganized, frustrated crowd at the grocery store two days before Thanksgiving in a store that is currently remodeling) – Check!

Clean out pantry and fridge – Check!

Put groceries away – Check!

Make dinner – Check!

The best part of the day, what I had been anticipating since the first round of volleyball tryouts with my Dee Dee Girl…the second round of tryouts, was finally only an hour away. First though, I had to get all the kids fed. D’Lo and AD were running around like the madmen they are. The big kids were filing down to build their hamburgers and…

BAM!

Followed by a lot of screaming and, as I picked him up off the floor and began searching his cranium for the site of impact with the corner of the kitchen counter, D’Lo struggled to catch his breath. And there it was, not on his nugget…on his eye. A half inch to the left and he may have lost that eye. What’s more, that thing literally grew bigger and bigger right in front of me, like one of those time elapsed films…only in real time. Poor little guy.

The bad news is that he looks like he just stepped out of a Rocky movie, the good news is he’s OK…

The absolutely fabulous news is that Dee Dee Girl, aged thirteen, was selected for a 16’s team! She is so excited and I am so proud of her. A great ending to a questionable day.

Go Dee Dee! Go Dee Dee! Go Dee Dee! Go Dee Dee!

Posted in FAMILY | Tagged , , | Leave a comment