Do you ever have a moment of pure clarity? When, in an instant, you are completely in tune with your blessings? I had one of those last night. It was like a photograph. A moment captured and recognized for it’s true, but temporary, beauty.
As I lay in my bed, the last one to stop for the day – as usual…everything was silent but the soft sound of my fan’s medium setting. The house was dark. Still. Peaceful. I could feel the warmth radiating off of my husband’s sleeping body. I could smell his masculinity. I love him so much…he is me and I am him.
I began to pray for the protection of our children, and then it hit me…they are safe. They are in their beds. They are in our home. They are here…with us. Then the sharp realization that, in just a few short years that will no longer be my reality. A few years after that, yet another will follow her brother out of This Nest, and then another will also spread her own wings…and that was my moment.
Oh. My. God.
This is my life…right here, right now. I understood, in that exact minute, that there will be a day when I long for that exact minute again…but will be unable to get it back. My mind will grasp for any glimpse of it when my children no longer sleep under our roof. I will reach so desperately for any reminder of it when each of my sons love a woman with all of their hearts…a woman that is not me. I will listen for it with all my might when my lonely hallways, once barely holding up under the high-volume chaos, are only met with silence…and when the first of us goes Home to our Father, I will cry and plead for it until I no longer have the energy to even breath.
Right here, right now. My moment. Bittersweet clarity.
I know that, much like with the stages of our children’s lives, one phase will replace the void left by the previous one. I know that my blessings won’t end when our little Sparrows become big ones and go off to make nests of their own. I know that there will be more love, and more joy, and plenty to celebrate…
So why then, did this exact minute make me so happy and so sad?
I know that feeling too! Sudden and overwhelming fear for one of my children…I hate it. When those times come, I just pray even harder for His protection. I can only imagine that when they are no longer under our roof or in our line of sight, those feelings will just magnify…and my faith will have to also.
Author Unknown:
My Hands were Busy
My hands were busy through the day
I didn’t have much time to play
The little games you asked me to,
I didn’t have much time for you.
I’d wash your clothes,
I’d sew and cook,
But when you’d bring your picture book
And asked me please to share your fun,
I’d say, “A little later son.”
I’d tuck you in all safe at night
And hear your prayers, turn out the light,
Then tiptoe softly to the door…
I wish I’d stayed a minute more.
For life is short, the years rush past.
A little boy grows up so fast.
No longer is he at your side,
His precious secrets to confide.
The picture books are put away,
There are no longer games to play.
No good-night kisses, no prayers to hear;
That all belongs to yesteryear.
My hands, once busy, now are still
The days are long and hard to fill.
I wish I could go back to do
The little things you asked me to.
I kept this poem on my fridge all of my child raising years to remind me no chore was as important as the special time spent with my precious children. I miss so much the moments that I spent with my children under my roof, but the precious memories will last forever. They are now replaced by moments sharing my adult children’s lives and loving my nineteen grandchildren. I am still truly blessed. I love you so much.
I remember this. I love you, Mama.