Copyright ThisNest
Star Bar…that’s what I call her…she left yesteday and I cried. I cried those deep, from the chest, face all scrunched up, painful lump in the throat, type of tears. She hasn’t called either. She said that she would, to at least let me know that she made it, but still no call. I already checked up on her, so I know she’s OK, but I really am feeling hurt. I know she’s happy to be with her mom, she missed her so much, but what about me? Isn’t that selfish?
She first came to us so long ago, she was just two. She came in a dirty pair of pajamas, her braids were so old they were nearly dreadlocks. She had a yeast infection. She was afraid and she had her right index finger in her mouth (a comfort mechanism I would come to recognize well in the future). In all the time that has passed between then and now, she has spent some time with her mom, but not nearly as much time as she has spent with us. The addictions her mom battles, or rather “illness” as I would explain to the kids, kept her from calling, kept her from sending a birthday card, kept her from visiting. They would also keep Star waiting, day in and day out, for the mailman to arrive with something special from this woman, something special that would, ultimately, never come at all. Then I would be left with this child, making up excuses for a woman I (at that time) despised; not for the sake of the woman, but for the sake of the child.
Well, now Star gets what she’s always longed for; not just any mother…her mother. What I discovered, after fifteen years of raising another woman’s kids, after fifteen years of being “the other mother” is this: In my heart I know that I have provided many necessary essentials – food, clothing, help with homework, a smiling face in the crowd at their games, talks about right and wrong, hugs, birthday cakes, participation in parent/teacher conferences, doctor and dentist appointments, and so much more – but in the end, the one thing I could never ever be for them…is her.
I love you Star Bar. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers. I hope we have stacked enough into your brain and stored enough into your heart to keep your future decisions clear. Lord, keep her safe, happy, and knowing that she is loved.
Break my heart… Lord has great plans for this child!! She is HIS daughter before ANY one else!! She is under His care & His love… She knows how much you have loves + cared for her & I guarantee she is forever grateful for all you + your family has done… she just may not know it yet…
You’re one amazing woman Donna!! I pray the Lord continues to bless you & yours!!!
Isn’t the “letting go” part the hardest part of parenting? I am sure that your love and support have set her on the right path.
Yes Girl, it is so hard to let them go. I hope she takes everything we showed her and can apply it, in positive ways, toward her new life. I’ll keep her “covered” in prayer and I know that’s the most important thing anyway. Thanks for the comment, and for stopping by my site.